The Michael Jackson of India, Prabhu Deva, is in the news not for his magical footwork or as the most ‘wanted’ director, but for his triangular love-story, which has reached its climax with Deva’s wife Latha filing two petitions in the family court in Chennai seeking directions against her husband and Nayanthara from attending functions together, receiving awards as husband and wife and she also wants the court to order Prabhu Deva to return to her and lead a happy life.
Latha is justified in asking for her husband to “look after her and their children and pay for their sustenance and maintenance”, however the question arises whether she is doing herself a disfavour by clinging onto her man and wanting him back home, especially when Deva has made it amply clear that he wants to be with somebody else. We are not debating the issue of who is right or wrong, but we can’t help but wonder about the quality of life that she will lead with Deva (lest the court order him back to his wife and family), who has albeit fallen out of love with her and in love with his colleague?
Why does someone cling to a relationship that has gone wrong? Psychotherapist Vinaya Prabha V Baligar lists out some possible reasons:
» Low self esteem;
» Lack of self confidence;
» Addiction to a person who they believe can fulfill their particular needs
“Usually such people believe that a particular person only can fill the gaps in their personality. In reality, no one can give anything to anyone except the person him/herself,” says Vinaya Prabha.
The tendency to cling on is sometimes a trait displayed by a person towards someone they consider important to them. They feel that they have invested a lot into a relation and cannot let go easily.
 | Nayanthara and Prabhu Deva have made several public appearances despite the director still being married to Latha (inset) |
Sometimes, it can be the fact that they are used to a certain lifestyle and cannot handle anything different. Hence, money comes into the picture. In case of a celebrity, a glamourous lifestyle is taken away from them as well. “Financial dependency alone does not create clinginess. It is a personality lacking self confidence that drives them to this behaviour,” says Vinaya Prabha.
What happens when your husband/wife says that he/she is leaving you for another person? According to Vinaya Prabha, these emotions can manifest:
» There will be a denial of the whole situation.
» Then there will be anger against the spouse.
» There is usually some guilt over the extent of self-contribution to the situation.
» There could be the possibility of wanting to hurt the other person.
Shyamala* was heartbroken especially as she felt she had failed her parents and children. “I used my children to beg my ex to come back home but to no avail. My family was supportive enough but I still wanted my husband back. The almost daily fights about a divorce upset my kids. I went to a psychotherapist on the suggestion of a close friend. Initially, I was very apprehensive but the sessions helped me get back my self esteem to a great degree. Yet, I still wonder what went wrong,” she tells of her experience. She hasn’t remarried although her ex has since married his flame.
When children are involved, it is very easy for the situation to flare up further. Blame game puts the children in a quandary as they are constantly hearing one parent speak badly of the other. Or, parenting may become slack as guilt drives the parents to indulge the kids having a rough time. “When children are involved, the ex needs professional help as most times, the advice of family and friends may not help,” says Vinaya Prabha.
Ideally, mature behaviour is required from the sparring husband and wife. If one wants to get out of the relationship, then that person has to be firm in saying so and follow it up with actions. “It is not done that you want to separate from your wife or husband and yet behave like nothing has happened. By calling them up often, it sends a mixed signal. Handle the guilt if you want to end the relation,” says Vinaya Prabha. As for the spouse who has had the jarring jolt, the predominant emotions of fear, anxiety and anger have to be dealt with. If such emotions are not dealt properly, then it can manifest as revengeful behaviour or self-directed depression.
“It takes great effort to get rid of the emotional clinginess or dependence. The person affected has to understand that their strength lies in themself. Things like this have to be taken in the right perspective. The ex should have no doubts that he/she is good enough and nobody is required to complete them. A person should love him/herself and have self esteem,” advises Vinaya Prabha.
Talking for the other side of the coin, the psychotherapist talks of cases when the ex creates havoc in the spouse and his/her new partner’s relationship. “When the ex refuses to let go, the new relationship also undergoes turbulence. It is important to find out what attracted the two to each other initially and present a united front. But if the husband and wife decide to get back together, the anger and insecurity are bound to continue until the spouse who strayed takes full pains to constantly assure the other with love,” notes Vinaya Prabha.
It is all about perspective. At the end of the day, you owe it to yourself to be happy and not settle for “love crumbs” from your partner. Don’t you think so?
Source: Bangalore Mirror, Friday,8th October,2010 Link:http://www.bangaloremirror.com/index.aspx?Page=article§name=Wellness%20-%20You§id=74&contentid=201010082010100818374832936cf2af5 |
